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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26219893">What I miss most</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/missing_fawkes/pseuds/missing_fawkes'>missing_fawkes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Heartbreak, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hunter Dean Winchester, Letters, Love Confessions, M/M, Memories, Strangers to Lovers, family business</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:53:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26219893</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/missing_fawkes/pseuds/missing_fawkes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it's small things: a flash of emerald in front of his eyes, meeting someone with a face full of freckles, the smell of leather and cheap cologne.</p>
<p>Sometimes the things that make him remember are everything but small: two boys racing each other before doubling over in laughter who take him back to a time when he was their age, trying to catch up to a boy who always seemed just out of reach; two lovers holding hands, walking as closely as possible like even what little distance is between them is too wide and almost unbearable.</p>
<p>They used to be just like that.</p>
<p>Stolen glances in the beginning when they thought no one was watching and later stolen kisses when they no longer cared who saw.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What I miss most</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One day, Cas tells himself.</p>
<p>One day he will stop missing Dean Winchester, the boy who crashed into his life, wearing a leather jacket that was at least three sizes too big and a stupidely wide smile that could brighten a room or cloud a sky with its absence.</p>
<p>Dean Winchester, with his loud mouth and the devil-may-care attitude, who made Cas fall in love in a heartbeat and stole his first kiss.</p>
<p>It should not be possible to miss someone after such a short time together and such a long time apart.</p>
<p>Wounds heal, scars fade, but only if you let them.</p>
<p>If you leave them in peace and allow time and patience to work their miracles.</p>
<p>As it turns out, Cas is not particularly good at either.</p>
<p>He tries.</p>
<p>Tries to forget.</p>
<p>Tries to let new memories erase the old ones and yet he finds himself scratching on the sore edges of his almost healed injury, ripping off the scab.</p>
<p>Like a dog who doesn't know better.</p>
<p>Like he is incapable of understanding that the itchiness and discomfort mean he's finally getting better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometimes it's small things: a flash of emerald in front of his eyes, meeting someone with a face full of freckles, the smell of leather and cheap cologne.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometimes the things that make him remember are everything but small: two boys racing each other before doubling over in laughter who take him back to a time when he was their age, trying to catch up to a boy who always seemed just out of reach; two lovers holding hands, walking as closely as possible like even what little distance is between them is too wide and almost unbearable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They used to be just like that.</p>
<p>Stolen glances in the beginning when they thought no one was watching and later stolen kisses when they no longer cared who saw.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He clings to the memories like a drowning man to a life raft, wondering if in reality they are an anchor pulling him under.</p>
<p>In the end it doesn't matter what they are. He wants to let go either way.</p>
<p>And yet somehow, he can't.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The harder he fights, the more he remembers.</p>
<p>It's like he was made to love Dean Winchester and his heart refuses to stop.</p>
<p>It wouldn't hurt so much if he knew Dean felt the same.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For a while Cas thought he did.</p>
<p>For a while there was no doubt in his mind that the two were meant to be, that every cliché, every love story finally made sense, because loving Dean was as easy as breathing.</p>
<p>Until he was gone one day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No note.</p>
<p>No letter.</p>
<p>No good-bye.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just an empty desk in the classroom.</p>
<p>Like he had never been there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The dream became a nightmare Cas couldn't wake up from.</p>
<p>The days flew by and he wondered if it was the boy he had loved, who was cruel or if it was his own mind that had played tricks on him.</p>
<p>He could never quite believe that.</p>
<p>Not when he got flowers and laughter.</p>
<p>Not when his heart was overflowing with happiness.</p>
<p>Not when Dean told him otherwise.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first "I love you" came unexpected.</p>
<p>Unexpected, because it wasn't Cas who said it, even though he had felt that way for a long time.</p>
<p>Unexpected, because they weren't doing anything in particular.</p>
<p>It had been raining all day, forcing them to stay inside and after some discussion they had finally decided on watching TV.</p>
<p>Cas had put on a documentary and Dean, who did not care about the topic at all, was half asleep on his chest.</p>
<p>At some point, Cas made a comment, something dorky and awkward (that much he was sure of, even though he couldn't recall what he had said exactly) and Dean had looked up at him, eyes shining with amusement and a sleepy smile on his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I love you so much," he had whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of Cas' face.</p>
<p>"Don't ever change."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Dean left in the evening, he did not come back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>"Dear Cas</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>I sometimes wonder if you miss me or if I am just a distant memory to you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Someone you vaguely remember. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The boy who used to sit next to you in class.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The boy who used to distract you from studying. </em>

</p>
<p>
  <em>At first with his questions and later with his kisses.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I wonder if you remember how nervous I was when I first asked to sit next to you and if you still look so adorably grumpy when you concentrate.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I hope you do.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>You were always so focused. </em>

</p>
<p>
  <em>Every task you were given had to be fulfilled with absolute perfection and it was, yet somehow you managed to never make me feel like we weren't equals.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>We weren't, of course, you were always so much better than me.</em>
</p>
<p>
  

</p>
<p>
  <em>Sometimes I like to believe that the good I've done outweighs the bad.</em>

</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe it does. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe it's just a lie I tell myself so I can sleep at night.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>But of all the things I've done, what I regret most is leaving you the way I did.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I should have said good-bye.</em>

</p>
<p>
  <em>I should have found a way.</em>
</p>
<p>
  

</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm not a smart man, but I'm also not stupid enough to believe we would've had a future together.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You would've found someone better and moved on.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You should've been the one to break my heart.</em>
</p>
<p>
  

</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm sorry it was the other way around.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>Dean"</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
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